I know every mother has a different story to tell when it comes to their breastfeeding journey, and I just want to share mine in hopes of being able to encourage and inspire women, particularly new mothers to not give up even if breastfeeding becomes difficult.
When I was pregnant, I was so excited about learning the weekly developments of my baby, and thinking about my soon-to-be life as a new mother. I was so busy with buying baby stuff and getting everything ready for the big day when I can finally hold him in my arms. Everything went on smoothly, and by the time I was 35 weeks pregnant, I was very much ready for motherhood. I honestly thought that aside from the sleepless nights, everything would be a breeze -- this was until I started breastfeeding.
It sounded pretty simple: hungry baby? Latch on. Done. The first few times were okay, it felt weird and a little bit ticklish, but certainly not painful. But soon after, it started to hurt. My nipples were distorted (shaped like a new lipstick), pink, and sore every after feeding.
A day and a half after I gave birth, I was crying not because it was painful to breastfeed, but because my baby would cry and refuse to nurse. I wasn't sure if it was poor latching or positioning (I tried cradle, cross-cradle, and football hold), all I was certain about was I wasn't feeding my baby enough.
A lactation consultant came in to help me with breastfeeding, and I was surprised to see my baby suck vigorously when the consultant helped me latch him on. I never seen him suck so hard, and I thought he must be very, very, very hungry. This brought me to tears again, I cried because I couldn't even do a simple thing as properly nourishing my child. The lactation consultant left and I was alone to nurse my child. I was struggling again. I was thinking that my baby was only having enough milk to survive.
The pain persisted, but there was really nothing much to do. I put on breast milk and lanolin on my nipples every after feed, it temporarily eased the pain, but the pain always comes back whenever my baby would latch on. It wasn't an ordinary kind of pain either. It was a sweat-breaking and toe-curling kind of pain. My nipples cracked, which made it even more painful to nurse, and formed a scab until it healed. It was difficult to take a shower, because I had to prevent the water from touching my nipples, as it would make them hurt even more. Wearing a shirt hurt too, the fabric touching my nipples made them even more sore. I never thought it would be this difficult to breastfeed!
Two weeks have passed and I was still struggling with breastfeeding. I thought about using a breast pump to express milk and then bottle-feeding my child. I saw this as a win-win situation as I would still be giving my child breast milk and I wouldn't be in pain anymore. So I did. I woke up whenever my baby did, which was about every two hours. I had someone bottle-feed my baby the milk I expressed two hours ago, while I expressed milk for his next feeding. This would be the ideal cycle, I thought, with me being a feeding ahead of my baby. Except that, sometimes he would wake up only an hour later after a feed and ask for milk. Now this was a problem, because he drinks more than what I could pump out. It was tiresome, to be honest. I felt like having to catch up with my baby's demand, and I also worried about over-feeding.
Two days later, I went back to breastfeeding. I missed holding my baby in my arms and him latching on to my breast; I missed the convenience of not having to list down every feeding session and washing the breast pump parts and bottles; it pains me when I see someone else bottle-feed my child while I express milk, "I should be the one nursing my child until he falls asleep. I should be the one bonding with my child." I thought. Another problem was, the breast pump couldn't get all the milk out, so I had to massage my breasts and put on hot compress, which consumed more time.
And so this became the cycle. I would breastfeed my baby for a few days, and when my nipples began to sore, I would temporarily switch to pumping and bottle-feeding to give my nipples time to heal, and go back to breastfeeding after another day or two. I was worried about nipple confusion, but I had no choice. Thankfully, it never became a problem. This cycle went on for about 6-8 times. There were times when I really wanted to give up, but somehow I always ended up giving breastfeeding another try. My persistence paid off, though! Two months after, the day finally came when it no longer hurts to breastfeed! It happened like a miracle!
My son is now seven months old, and I've been breastfeeding him since then. I hope I can continue to do so until he's two years old! Thinking back, it had been a difficult journey, but I'm really happy that I did not give up. I believe breastfeeding is one of the best experiences of being a mother!
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